I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
