I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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