4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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