and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you will always have a special place in my vag
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
