Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
