Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
