I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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