She is in my trunk
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
