I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
