I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
