its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize