I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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