I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
