I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
