Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
