hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
