We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
