I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sext me about skeletons
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
