as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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