Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
