tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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