either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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