If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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