The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
