as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dignity is for republicans.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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