Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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