just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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