Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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