I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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