so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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