So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
