If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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