whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
