my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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