I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
