You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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