dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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