Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
