Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
