if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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