please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
