You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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