i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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