You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
