guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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