i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
