i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
