He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
it's like iHOP with fire
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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