Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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