fuck your aforementioned shoe
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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