i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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