I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
