you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
